Entry #16

Dear Diary,

I didn’t sleep very well last night. I had a dream that I was driving and I crashed. My car ended up in the ocean and I was trapped in the car. The car was filling up with water and I was banging on the window and gasping for air. I woke up in a cold sweat. I couldn’t fall back asleep right away. I just lay there and listened to Veronica mumble in her sleep. After a while I started to fall asleep again, but then it was time to get up. I was so tired. I rolled out of bed and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Some girl was in there pacing and talking to herself about the headless clowns in her room. Then she tried to warn me that they might come for me next. Today was bacon and egg day for breakfast. Much better than dry toast. After breakfast when I met with my psychiatrist Dr. Shaw, I told him about the dream that I had. He said that the dream I had might mean that I’m overwhelmed or anxious about something. Duh! Of course I’m anxious. I’m stuck in this place for who knows how long. When I came here my parents were on the verge of a divorce. I don’t know what to expect when I get home. I’m still missing Simon like crazy. Dr. Shaw is trying to tell me that Simon and I were never together. I told him that he was wrong. Shortly after my meeting with Dr. Shaw, Veronica and I played cards in the common room. We played crazy eight countdown and she won. My mom came to visit me today. I could tell that she was nervous because she kept fiddling with her purse strap. My dad didn’t come to visit me.

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Entry #15

So here I am in my drab room. The nights are the worst. I’m forced to sleep on this tiny bed with one measly pillow. I can barely sleep at night. This room feels so cold and my covers are so thin. I miss my own bed. I have a roommate and her name is Veronica. She is here because she tried to kill herself. Apparently she overdosed on 3000 milligrams of Lunesta. Her fiancé cheated on her with her best friend. When she confronted him about it he admitted it and told her that he wasn’t in love with her anymore. She’s a couple of years older than me and we have become friends. She shares her stories about her now ex-fiancé Kevin, and I share my stories about Simon and my messed up parents. Every morning around 7am the techs bang on everybody’s door to wake them up for breakfast. Then we have to line up against the wall like we’re in kindergarten to go to the cafeteria. The other day a girl stepped out of line and started going crazy. She was yelling and screaming about the voices in her head. They had to sedate her. Today I had dry toast and a cup of watery coffee for breakfast. I really miss Starbucks. Dr. Wilson referred me to a psychiatrist name Dr. Shaw. I meet with him every day after breakfast. Today he asked me the usual questions: do you feel like cutting yourself, are you sleeping well, how are you feeling. I told him that it’s really cold in my room at night. He said he would talk to them about giving me extra covers. I wonder how Marisa is doing, or who Marisa is doing haha. I’m not allowed to have a cell phone in my room and we could only use the phones here for 15 minutes at a time. Visitation is at 5pm every day. My parents are coming to visit me today. This should be interesting.

Entry #14

Dear Diary,

I don’t know what I’m going to do about Simon. He cornered me in the hall at school the other day and shoved the teddy bear I gave him back in my face. He even ripped the letter I wrote him and threw the pieces at me. He said he doesn’t want anything to do with me and called me a psycho bitch. I have been nothing but patient with him. All I want is for us to be together, but he’s making that very difficult. I was so angry that I marched straight to the athletic centre and grabbed a baseball bat from storage. I went out into the parking lot and smashed the windows in his car. I went back into the school and smashed in his locker. I tossed the bat to the floor and ran into the girls’ bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls. I scooped a razor blade out of my bag and cut myself. What a rush. I felt a high that I never felt before. This is all Simon’s fault. If he would just accept that fact that we’re meant to be together instead of pushing me away, things could have gone differently. When I stepped out of the stall to clean the blood off my arm a girl entered the bathroom and there were two teachers with her. They saw what I did. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was standing there with a bloody arm and a razor blade in my hand. The teachers escorted me to the office. They ended up calling my parents.

During therapy we talked about what happened. My parents were yelling at each other and blaming each other for my mental state. Dr. Wilson suggested that they admit me into Hessner Mental Institution. For the first time in a long time they agreed on something.

Entry #13

Dear Diary,

My parents found out that I have been cutting myself. We were at our usual therapy session and my mother was sitting beside me on the couch. I pulled up my sleeve just a little bit to scratch an itch on my lower arm and she noticed the lacerations. She asked me what they were from and I told her that one of my friends had a cat and it scratched me. She didn’t look convinced and neither did my dad or the therapist. Dr. Wilson started focusing on me and what would cause me to cut myself. I started to get angry that they weren’t focusing on the reason that we were all there in the first place. My mom and dad are headed for divorce and they’re just dragging me through all of their crap. Of course I cut myself! How else am I going to stay sane in my house? I kept trying to change the subject and pull down my sleeve, but my dad pulled it up and both of my parents started to cry. This was the first time that anybody has seen my scars of pain. Dr. Wilson suggested that my parents send me to a mental institution. I begged my parents not to send me there. Then I admitted to them that I have cut myself, but I don’t anymore (even though that’s a lie) and that I’m fine. It took a lot of begging and pleading to talk my parents out of sending me to a mental institution.

Simon is still dodging me at school, so the other day I hid behind the bleachers and watched him during soccer practice. Afterwards I followed him home and left a teddy bear with a letter on his doorstep. Eventually, he’ll realize that we’re meant to be together.

Entry #12

Dear Diary,

Ever since I told Simon about the letter he’s been distant. Every time I walk past him in the hall and wave he gives me a fake smile and keeps walking. I thought telling him about the letter would bring us closer together, but it’s actually done the opposite. I have to get him to talk to me. I left him like a gazillion text messages and he hasn’t responded to any of them. I’m starting to go crazy. I can’t eat and if I don’t cut myself I can’t sleep. I’m thinking of going to his house.

Now that Marisa knows about Simon she won’t shut up about him. She’s always teasing me about him. I told her about the letter that I wrote him and she laughed at me. Marisa would never write a guy she likes a letter. She would never chase anybody. She never had to because they always chased her. Part of me resented her for that. I hated the fact that she never had to try hard to get a guy to pay attention to her. That’s why I didn’t tell her about the texts I sent him. I know if I did I would never hear the end of it.

My mom came in my room last night to talk about things. I thought she was going to tell me that her and my dad are getting a divorce, but that wasn’t the case. She did ask me how I felt about therapy. I knew that was coming, so I just told her what she wanted to hear. I told her that I was feeling better and that Dr. Wilson was really helping me, but really he wasn’t. With my parents still fighting and Simon ignoring me I’m feeling more lost than ever.

Entry #11

Since the winter formal I decided to take matters into my own hands. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I decided to call Simon. I picked up the phone, dialed his number and waited for him to answer. Usually when he does I just hang up, but this time was different. I had to let him know how I feel. When he answered I couldn’t catch my breath. I knew what I wanted to say but the words didn’t come out. I was sure he could hear me breathing into the phone, so I hung up. I was so angry at myself. I really think that if we spend some time together he’ll see how perfect we are for each other.

Marisa and I were sitting in the quad enjoying our morning Starbucks when I saw Simon with his buddies. I decided to go and talk to him. I put my coffee down and stood up. Marisa kept asking me where I was going, but I didn’t answer her. I just stood up and walked towards him. One of his friends noticed me coming and nudged Simon in his arm. He looked at me and for a moment our eyes locked. Butterflies whirled around in my stomach. He agreed to speak to me alone. I told him about the letter that I left in his locker. He asked me why I told him to stay away from Stacy Carter, and I told him the truth. I told him that she’s no good for him and that we are meant to be together. He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me. I lifted my hand to touch his face but he flinched. I asked him what was wrong and he said he had to go and turned around to walk away. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked him if we could hang out some time but he didn’t answer me. I spun around and caught Marisa shaking her head with a grin on her face. Now she knows about Simon.

Entry #10

Dear Diary,

I am very distraught. Simon didn’t ask me to the winter formal! I mean, he’s practically my boyfriend, so I don’t know why he didn’t ask me! I was looking forward to going with him. I begged my mom to buy me a new dress and I even got my hair done. At first I thought that maybe he didn’t ask me at school because he was going to surprise me. I thought he was going to show up at my front door with a corsage and sweep me off my feet. Well, Simon ended up going with that slut Stacy Carter. I almost lost it. At that moment all I wanted to do was cut my skin so I would feel better, but now I know this isn’t his fault. Clearly he doesn’t understand that we’re meant to be together, so I have to show him. This is just a minor setback.

Therapy isn’t going any better. Dr. Wilson is trying to get me to open up, but I’m not ready to do that yet. He keeps asking me how I would feel if my parents split up. I mean, obviously I don’t want that to happen because then I would have to choose who I want to live with. I would most likely live with my mom because I don’t want to leave Deerwood. All my friends are here. My life is here. I don’t know what I would do without Marisa. She’s been my rock through this whole thing with my parents. She’s my best friend and we usually tell each other everything, but she doesn’t know that I have been cutting myself. I guess I’m afraid that she’ll judge me. She also doesn’t know that I’m in love with Simon. I think deep down I’m afraid that he’ll like her more than me, and I can’t accept that.