Entry #14

Dear Diary,

I don’t know what I’m going to do about Simon. He cornered me in the hall at school the other day and shoved the teddy bear I gave him back in my face. He even ripped the letter I wrote him and threw the pieces at me. He said he doesn’t want anything to do with me and called me a psycho bitch. I have been nothing but patient with him. All I want is for us to be together, but he’s making that very difficult. I was so angry that I marched straight to the athletic centre and grabbed a baseball bat from storage. I went out into the parking lot and smashed the windows in his car. I went back into the school and smashed in his locker. I tossed the bat to the floor and ran into the girls’ bathroom and locked myself in one of the stalls. I scooped a razor blade out of my bag and cut myself. What a rush. I felt a high that I never felt before. This is all Simon’s fault. If he would just accept that fact that we’re meant to be together instead of pushing me away, things could have gone differently. When I stepped out of the stall to clean the blood off my arm a girl entered the bathroom and there were two teachers with her. They saw what I did. If that wasn’t bad enough, I was standing there with a bloody arm and a razor blade in my hand. The teachers escorted me to the office. They ended up calling my parents.

During therapy we talked about what happened. My parents were yelling at each other and blaming each other for my mental state. Dr. Wilson suggested that they admit me into Hessner Mental Institution. For the first time in a long time they agreed on something.


Entry #13

Dear Diary,

My parents found out that I have been cutting myself. We were at our usual therapy session and my mother was sitting beside me on the couch. I pulled up my sleeve just a little bit to scratch an itch on my lower arm and she noticed the lacerations. She asked me what they were from and I told her that one of my friends had a cat and it scratched me. She didn’t look convinced and neither did my dad or the therapist. Dr. Wilson started focusing on me and what would cause me to cut myself. I started to get angry that they weren’t focusing on the reason that we were all there in the first place. My mom and dad are headed for divorce and they’re just dragging me through all of their crap. Of course I cut myself! How else am I going to stay sane in my house? I kept trying to change the subject and pull down my sleeve, but my dad pulled it up and both of my parents started to cry. This was the first time that anybody has seen my scars of pain. Dr. Wilson suggested that my parents send me to a mental institution. I begged my parents not to send me there. Then I admitted to them that I have cut myself, but I don’t anymore (even though that’s a lie) and that I’m fine. It took a lot of begging and pleading to talk my parents out of sending me to a mental institution.

Simon is still dodging me at school, so the other day I hid behind the bleachers and watched him during soccer practice. Afterwards I followed him home and left a teddy bear with a letter on his doorstep. Eventually, he’ll realize that we’re meant to be together.

Entry #12

Dear Diary,

Ever since I told Simon about the letter he’s been distant. Every time I walk past him in the hall and wave he gives me a fake smile and keeps walking. I thought telling him about the letter would bring us closer together, but it’s actually done the opposite. I have to get him to talk to me. I left him like a gazillion text messages and he hasn’t responded to any of them. I’m starting to go crazy. I can’t eat and if I don’t cut myself I can’t sleep. I’m thinking of going to his house.

Now that Marisa knows about Simon she won’t shut up about him. She’s always teasing me about him. I told her about the letter that I wrote him and she laughed at me. Marisa would never write a guy she likes a letter. She would never chase anybody. She never had to because they always chased her. Part of me resented her for that. I hated the fact that she never had to try hard to get a guy to pay attention to her. That’s why I didn’t tell her about the texts I sent him. I know if I did I would never hear the end of it.

My mom came in my room last night to talk about things. I thought she was going to tell me that her and my dad are getting a divorce, but that wasn’t the case. She did ask me how I felt about therapy. I knew that was coming, so I just told her what she wanted to hear. I told her that I was feeling better and that Dr. Wilson was really helping me, but really he wasn’t. With my parents still fighting and Simon ignoring me I’m feeling more lost than ever.

Entry #10

Dear Diary,

I am very distraught. Simon didn’t ask me to the winter formal! I mean, he’s practically my boyfriend, so I don’t know why he didn’t ask me! I was looking forward to going with him. I begged my mom to buy me a new dress and I even got my hair done. At first I thought that maybe he didn’t ask me at school because he was going to surprise me. I thought he was going to show up at my front door with a corsage and sweep me off my feet. Well, Simon ended up going with that slut Stacy Carter. I almost lost it. At that moment all I wanted to do was cut my skin so I would feel better, but now I know this isn’t his fault. Clearly he doesn’t understand that we’re meant to be together, so I have to show him. This is just a minor setback.

Therapy isn’t going any better. Dr. Wilson is trying to get me to open up, but I’m not ready to do that yet. He keeps asking me how I would feel if my parents split up. I mean, obviously I don’t want that to happen because then I would have to choose who I want to live with. I would most likely live with my mom because I don’t want to leave Deerwood. All my friends are here. My life is here. I don’t know what I would do without Marisa. She’s been my rock through this whole thing with my parents. She’s my best friend and we usually tell each other everything, but she doesn’t know that I have been cutting myself. I guess I’m afraid that she’ll judge me. She also doesn’t know that I’m in love with Simon. I think deep down I’m afraid that he’ll like her more than me, and I can’t accept that.

Entry #9

Dear Diary,

Marisa and I went to a bonfire party with some friends and it was just what I needed. I didn’t even tell my parents that I was going. I just left and I doubt they noticed. It was nice getting out of my toxic environment for a night. Everybody was drinking and having a good time. Marisa had guys falling all over her, like usual. She’s so pretty and she exudes confidence. She has no problem meeting guys, so I don’t know why she bothers with the losers online. When I got home I found my dad sleeping on the couch. Shocker! It was really late and my parents weren’t waiting up for me. Most of my friends would love it if their parents didn’t hassle them about coming home late, but sometimes I wish my parents would give a damn. They’re so wrapped up in themselves and so busy fighting all the time that they don’t really see what I’m going through. Sometimes I feel like I don’t exist. I wish I could go back in time to my tenth birthday. That’s the best memory I have of my parents because we were all happy. Why did things have to change?

The most amazing thing happened at school today. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch with Marisa and the gang when Simon walked in and sat down at the table right next to ours. I doubt that was a coincidence. I think he wanted to sit next to me. I looked at him and he smiled at me. It’s only a matter of time until he asks me to the winter formal. Maybe I’ll lose my virginity. He still doesn’t know that the letter he found in his locker is from me, and I think I’m going to keep it that way.

Entry #8

Dear Diary,

This has been a crappy week because I was sick for most of it. I managed to get to school one day this week and now I have so much homework to catch up on. The good news is I ran into Simon in the hall after third period. We talked about the winter formal, which takes place next Saturday night. I know that he’s going to ask me to be his date. He’s going to look so good in his suit. I have to buy a dress!

So, we had our second therapy session with Dr. Wilson and it wasn’t any better than the first. My dad was late, so at first it was just the two of us. Nobody said anything. I swear the room was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Then Dr. Wilson started asking me questions. He asked me about school and my relationships. I told him about my best friend Marisa and her obsession with meeting guys online. I also told him about my boyfriend Simon. I told him how happy we are together and about the winter formal. I really enjoyed talking about him. Just saying his name made me smile. Then my dad stormed in the room and apologized for being late. Apparently he was in a meeting, but my mother didn’t believe him. She accused him of being with another woman. My mother sat at one end of the couch, my dad sat at the other end and I sat in the middle. They started screaming at each other. I almost lost it. I wanted to cut myself. I dug my nails into my hand until I bled and they all noticed. My parents stopped yelling at each other and all of their attention was on me. I liked it.

Entry #6

Dear Diary,

We had our first therapy session a couple of nights ago with Dr. Wilson and it was really boring. We just sat there while he asked us a bunch of stupid questions. He asked my parents what the problem is in their marriage. We don’t have to go to therapy to answer that question because it’s simple. I think my parents just got married too young and married for the wrong reasons. As a baby I was the glue holding them together, but now that I’m older and can take care of myself they realized that they really have nothing in common. My dad is never home because he hates being there and my mom is lonely. I wanted to say all that, but I didn’t. I just sat there quietly and played with my nails. Then he asked my parents the million dollar question. He asked them if they still love each other. I could tell it was an awkward moment for my dad because he kept fidgeting. Neither of them spoke. Then he asked me what I want to get out of therapy, but I couldn’t really answer that question. I don’t really want to get anything out of therapy. I don’t even want to go to therapy, but I was dragged there against my will. I wore a long sleeve shirt because I didn’t want him to see the scars. My parents don’t even know about them.

I finally got Simon’s cell phone number. I snuck into the guys locker room during soccer practice and took his iphone from his locker. I called myself from his phone and was about to put it back when I noticed he had a missed call from Stacy Carter! That bitch! I quickly put his phone back and got out of there before somebody saw me. What am I going to do about that girl?