Entry #13

Dear Diary,

My parents found out that I have been cutting myself. We were at our usual therapy session and my mother was sitting beside me on the couch. I pulled up my sleeve just a little bit to scratch an itch on my lower arm and she noticed the lacerations. She asked me what they were from and I told her that one of my friends had a cat and it scratched me. She didn’t look convinced and neither did my dad or the therapist. Dr. Wilson started focusing on me and what would cause me to cut myself. I started to get angry that they weren’t focusing on the reason that we were all there in the first place. My mom and dad are headed for divorce and they’re just dragging me through all of their crap. Of course I cut myself! How else am I going to stay sane in my house? I kept trying to change the subject and pull down my sleeve, but my dad pulled it up and both of my parents started to cry. This was the first time that anybody has seen my scars of pain. Dr. Wilson suggested that my parents send me to a mental institution. I begged my parents not to send me there. Then I admitted to them that I have cut myself, but I don’t anymore (even though that’s a lie) and that I’m fine. It took a lot of begging and pleading to talk my parents out of sending me to a mental institution.

Simon is still dodging me at school, so the other day I hid behind the bleachers and watched him during soccer practice. Afterwards I followed him home and left a teddy bear with a letter on his doorstep. Eventually, he’ll realize that we’re meant to be together.

Entry #12

Dear Diary,

Ever since I told Simon about the letter he’s been distant. Every time I walk past him in the hall and wave he gives me a fake smile and keeps walking. I thought telling him about the letter would bring us closer together, but it’s actually done the opposite. I have to get him to talk to me. I left him like a gazillion text messages and he hasn’t responded to any of them. I’m starting to go crazy. I can’t eat and if I don’t cut myself I can’t sleep. I’m thinking of going to his house.

Now that Marisa knows about Simon she won’t shut up about him. She’s always teasing me about him. I told her about the letter that I wrote him and she laughed at me. Marisa would never write a guy she likes a letter. She would never chase anybody. She never had to because they always chased her. Part of me resented her for that. I hated the fact that she never had to try hard to get a guy to pay attention to her. That’s why I didn’t tell her about the texts I sent him. I know if I did I would never hear the end of it.

My mom came in my room last night to talk about things. I thought she was going to tell me that her and my dad are getting a divorce, but that wasn’t the case. She did ask me how I felt about therapy. I knew that was coming, so I just told her what she wanted to hear. I told her that I was feeling better and that Dr. Wilson was really helping me, but really he wasn’t. With my parents still fighting and Simon ignoring me I’m feeling more lost than ever.

Entry #11

Since the winter formal I decided to take matters into my own hands. I couldn’t sleep last night, so I decided to call Simon. I picked up the phone, dialed his number and waited for him to answer. Usually when he does I just hang up, but this time was different. I had to let him know how I feel. When he answered I couldn’t catch my breath. I knew what I wanted to say but the words didn’t come out. I was sure he could hear me breathing into the phone, so I hung up. I was so angry at myself. I really think that if we spend some time together he’ll see how perfect we are for each other.

Marisa and I were sitting in the quad enjoying our morning Starbucks when I saw Simon with his buddies. I decided to go and talk to him. I put my coffee down and stood up. Marisa kept asking me where I was going, but I didn’t answer her. I just stood up and walked towards him. One of his friends noticed me coming and nudged Simon in his arm. He looked at me and for a moment our eyes locked. Butterflies whirled around in my stomach. He agreed to speak to me alone. I told him about the letter that I left in his locker. He asked me why I told him to stay away from Stacy Carter, and I told him the truth. I told him that she’s no good for him and that we are meant to be together. He didn’t say anything. He just stared at me. I lifted my hand to touch his face but he flinched. I asked him what was wrong and he said he had to go and turned around to walk away. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked him if we could hang out some time but he didn’t answer me. I spun around and caught Marisa shaking her head with a grin on her face. Now she knows about Simon.

Entry #10

Dear Diary,

I am very distraught. Simon didn’t ask me to the winter formal! I mean, he’s practically my boyfriend, so I don’t know why he didn’t ask me! I was looking forward to going with him. I begged my mom to buy me a new dress and I even got my hair done. At first I thought that maybe he didn’t ask me at school because he was going to surprise me. I thought he was going to show up at my front door with a corsage and sweep me off my feet. Well, Simon ended up going with that slut Stacy Carter. I almost lost it. At that moment all I wanted to do was cut my skin so I would feel better, but now I know this isn’t his fault. Clearly he doesn’t understand that we’re meant to be together, so I have to show him. This is just a minor setback.

Therapy isn’t going any better. Dr. Wilson is trying to get me to open up, but I’m not ready to do that yet. He keeps asking me how I would feel if my parents split up. I mean, obviously I don’t want that to happen because then I would have to choose who I want to live with. I would most likely live with my mom because I don’t want to leave Deerwood. All my friends are here. My life is here. I don’t know what I would do without Marisa. She’s been my rock through this whole thing with my parents. She’s my best friend and we usually tell each other everything, but she doesn’t know that I have been cutting myself. I guess I’m afraid that she’ll judge me. She also doesn’t know that I’m in love with Simon. I think deep down I’m afraid that he’ll like her more than me, and I can’t accept that.

Entry #9

Dear Diary,

Marisa and I went to a bonfire party with some friends and it was just what I needed. I didn’t even tell my parents that I was going. I just left and I doubt they noticed. It was nice getting out of my toxic environment for a night. Everybody was drinking and having a good time. Marisa had guys falling all over her, like usual. She’s so pretty and she exudes confidence. She has no problem meeting guys, so I don’t know why she bothers with the losers online. When I got home I found my dad sleeping on the couch. Shocker! It was really late and my parents weren’t waiting up for me. Most of my friends would love it if their parents didn’t hassle them about coming home late, but sometimes I wish my parents would give a damn. They’re so wrapped up in themselves and so busy fighting all the time that they don’t really see what I’m going through. Sometimes I feel like I don’t exist. I wish I could go back in time to my tenth birthday. That’s the best memory I have of my parents because we were all happy. Why did things have to change?

The most amazing thing happened at school today. I was sitting in the cafeteria eating lunch with Marisa and the gang when Simon walked in and sat down at the table right next to ours. I doubt that was a coincidence. I think he wanted to sit next to me. I looked at him and he smiled at me. It’s only a matter of time until he asks me to the winter formal. Maybe I’ll lose my virginity. He still doesn’t know that the letter he found in his locker is from me, and I think I’m going to keep it that way.

Entry #8

Dear Diary,

This has been a crappy week because I was sick for most of it. I managed to get to school one day this week and now I have so much homework to catch up on. The good news is I ran into Simon in the hall after third period. We talked about the winter formal, which takes place next Saturday night. I know that he’s going to ask me to be his date. He’s going to look so good in his suit. I have to buy a dress!

So, we had our second therapy session with Dr. Wilson and it wasn’t any better than the first. My dad was late, so at first it was just the two of us. Nobody said anything. I swear the room was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. Then Dr. Wilson started asking me questions. He asked me about school and my relationships. I told him about my best friend Marisa and her obsession with meeting guys online. I also told him about my boyfriend Simon. I told him how happy we are together and about the winter formal. I really enjoyed talking about him. Just saying his name made me smile. Then my dad stormed in the room and apologized for being late. Apparently he was in a meeting, but my mother didn’t believe him. She accused him of being with another woman. My mother sat at one end of the couch, my dad sat at the other end and I sat in the middle. They started screaming at each other. I almost lost it. I wanted to cut myself. I dug my nails into my hand until I bled and they all noticed. My parents stopped yelling at each other and all of their attention was on me. I liked it.